Grieving is Hard

I’m gonna be honest, my season of grief is lasting much longer than I anticipated. It’s also getting harder as I am currently in the first anniversary of my dad passing. I know grief is not linear, so I have been letting myself go through the waves and feel the emotions. There are some days I am upbeat, have energy and feel good. There are others where I ache all over, feel sluggish and have little to no patience with my husband and son. I know the hard days are normal in grieving, but I feel so guilty when I don’t have the mental or physical capacity to interact better with my family. Here are some ways I have been coping.

1. Spending quality time with myself alone.
   I know the usual advice goes “talk to people, spend time with others who you share memories with,” and although those are also on this list, learning how to spend time alone after my dad passed was the hardest part. After the influx of texts, calls and messages, after the hustle and bustle of planning a funeral and the day of the actual funeral (which feels like both a blur and a clear memory at the same time), everyone will be going back to their regular life, and as much as they loved and miss your loved one, it doesn’t affect their daily life like it does yours. I had some days where I spent several hours just sitting on the sofa chair scrolling on social media or playing games on my phone. Not exactly a healthy thing to do, but I needed some do-nothing blob days in the aftermath of the busy, emotionally exhausting days. After being a big ball of sad, I was able to start spending some healthy time with myself. I started a new workout program, I’d go to the store with a coffee and peruse the aisles, when the weather (finally) got warmer, I spent time outside with the sounds of nature and barking dogs….it got easier to be by myself in healthier, more productive ways. I didn’t have the luxury of that alone time once summer came around and my kiddo was on break, but I made sure to keep up with those alone times by waking up a couple hours before my son does in the mornings and during the day, I’d make sure was set with snacks and a movie or activity, even if just for 30 minutes at a time (because kids always need something, if you know you know) to get a period of time I could relax and be by myself.

2. Spending time with those who also missed my dad.
   I came to the realization halfway through the summer that I actually didn’t want to spend time with anyone who didn’t know my dad. I feel a little guilty that I brushed some people that I care for off. I wasn’t doing it on purpose, but I had a hard time saying yes to things that involved people who didn’t know him. I have since been working on it, but I tell ya, I can feel the difference in my mood when hanging out with those different groups of people, and quite frankly, I’ve enjoyed my time more with those who loved my dad. It’s not that I don’t love and care for those who didn’t know him, but to be around those who miss him as much as I do really helps me.

3. Meditation
   I love meditating. It’s such a great stress reliever and also a good way to visualize things you want to come to fruition, a.k.a. manifesting. My absolute favorite way to meditate is in the evening with the rain steadily falling, creating a calm, peaceful sound, but I often opt for putting my earbuds in and finding a playlist, as my son likes to play in his room before he falls asleep. I also love to light some incense. My favorite is lavender & rosemary from Sea Witch Botanicals. I enjoy meditation so much that I actually took an online class to expand my knowledge and to create my own guided mediations for myself and to record for others. It’s something I plan to implement with my death doula clients and on this website in the near future.

4. Celebrating milestones, holidays and birthdays with my dad.
   Yes, a little weird that I say that since he isn’t here in physical form, but I always have him with me in spirit. Whether it’s something I celebrate on my own or with those who love and miss him, too, I make sure to keep at least a little bit of tradition that I had with him during those celebratory days. I spent the day before the anniversary of his death with his bingo buddies and we had a great time (and three winners at our table!) Last summer, I organized a gathering of my dad’s friends and family for his birthday. It was so nice to see everyone for a happier occasion and I love hearing stories from his cousins and friends from childhood and early adulthood.

5. Ashwagandha
   It’s not a replacement for prescription meds, but occasionally taking an ashwagandha supplement before bed has been helpful for those days I feel more anxious. I talked to my doctor at my yearly checkup last October, and although she did offer to prescribe anti-anxiety meds, we came to the decision that I can cope without them at this time. Remember to talk to your medical doctor about any supplements you take, as they can alter some lab results and can react with your prescription medications.

6. Eating foods that fuel my body
   This is pretty basic advice you’ll hear from anyone who is telling you to feel better, but that is because it’s true. I feel the difference in the afternoon when I’ve planned and made conscience decisions on the foods I eat. Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy my food, or eat anything “bad.” Food has no moral value. I’ve been doing my best to eat what I want and add what I need. I’ll grab what I’m craving and add some grapes or an apple on the side, cut up some carrots for extra crunch and fiber or eat a cup of strawberry and banana greek yogurt for protein and probiotics. A kind of weird, but satisfying afternoon snack I’ve been enjoying is salami (I like Applegate brand) with mustard and a slice of avocado. It’s got flavor, protein and healthy fat. Afternoons are also when my sweet tooth acts up, so I’ll make a protein shake with a banana, handful spinach and almond milk. When I cave into my sweet tooth hard and have too many sugary things with no other nutritional value, I feel so crappy the rest of the day and it really affects how I’m able to be a parent and partner that evening. When I eat what I want and add what I need, I am able to be a better mom, wife and am able to regulate my emotions better. It’s not that it will prevent me from being sad, but when I have a moment of sadness, I don’t break down as often when I’m properly fueled.

7. Hydrate
   If you know me, you know that I will always tell you to drink water. You don’t have to waterlog yourself, like many “wellness” people tell you to do these days, but you definitely need to get your water in. I try to have a water bottle by my side all day and drink 80 to 100 ounces throughout the day. Water is life. We are 60% water and our organs depend on it to function properly. If I ever feel brain fog during the day, I drink a glass of water and it usually helps immediately. I am someone who loves plain cold water, but I know many have issues with it. Get a bottle with an infuser and add fruit and herbs to it, add a splash of juice to your water or use sugar free water flavorings. Whatever floats your boat.

8. Movement
   Yet another super basic piece of advice. And, again, it’s because it’s true. It’s good for the mind and body. I opt for online workout programs, but taking a walk, going for a jog, gardening and stretching in your chair are all acceptable. Doing what you can with what you have is the goal.

These are the things that have been helping me the most in my journey of grief. Remember, no two people grieve the same. If you are feeling anxious often, feel hopeless or feel you need help, call your doctor. If you are feeling like you are in a crisis and may hurt yourself or others, contact the SAMHSA’s Helpline by calling or texting 988.